


Hold My Hand

by Moose_Sass (orphan_account)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 11:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4136109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Moose_Sass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Everything will be okay. I promise." Marco leaned in and kissed his cheek before taking off the join the others.</p>
<p>Jean believed him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold My Hand

**Author's Note:**

> so there's this song called Hold My Hand by The Fray

_i._

The first night Jean heard Marco crying and before he could stop himself he held him and confronted him. He crouched next to him and rubbed his back as Marco slowly calmed down. He had never really guessed Marco, smiley bright Marco, could be this scared, but then he evaluated his thoughts again. They were all scared here; no matter who they were, how they acted, they were scared shitless. Yet they remained strong because that was what required of them in a situation such as this.

This happened several more times and nothing more than a "thank you" was ever passed between the two. After what must have been the tenth time that Jean found himself sitting on the floor next to the boy, did Marco start to open. Once he had calmed down he was surprisingly talkative. Mostly they talked about training tips and discussing strategies to try out in training the next day, rarely ever would their lives before _that day_ come up. When it did Jean would generally take that as a cue to leave or change the subject.

Under the cover of darkness and in between calming gestures the two quickly became friends.

_ii_.

It started off with their conversations, then they started sitting together at meals. Jean found being around Marco and talking to him was one of he easiest things he had ever done. There was no pressure and no judgement. Marco always encouraged him to do his best and pointed out things that he could improve and work on during training. Jean started to do the same for him and before soon they became an unstoppable force.

They were always sparing together and sitting together at meals, probably a little too close for just friends at times, so much though, that the others had started to notice. Jean had started to notice. Jean could hear the whispers at lunch or late after lights out. Nobody ever said anything to his face though, so he chose to ignore them.

Of course Jean noticed too, how close they were getting, but it didn't seem to bother Marco, so he didn't let it bother him. Jean was always there for Marco when he had a panic attack and Marco was always there to give Jean the push he needed.

That was the way they worked best and both of them were well aware of it.

_iii_.

There wasn't a spare moment where they weren't holding hands. Any down time between training sessions, anytime during meals or before they went to sleep at night you would find them with their hands together, fingers intertwined. Nobody seemed to question it when it happened, in fact they were more of placing bets for when as opposed to if.

Jean loved the feeling of it all. The first time Marco grabbed his hand he felt as if he might explode. Suddenly every nerve ending became hypersensitive and he loved every moment of it, his hand was on fire and tingling.

He loved the fact that their hands seemed to be built for each other, how they fit together perfectly. He loved the feeling of threading his fingers through Marco's and the little squeeze Marco would give him to tell him just how much he enjoyed it. He loved the looked on Marco's face the first time he took his hand in public at dinner. How it lit up all bright red and he smiled from ear to ear for the rest of the night. He had never seen anything more beautiful.

He would never admit it, but holding hands was Jean's new favourite thing to do and he thought a majority of that came from the fact that it was Marco he was holding hands with. _His_ Marco.

_iv_.

"Jean."

"Hmm?" Jean opened his eyes and glanced over at Marco, who was lying beside him.

"What?" Jean asked again when Marco didn't reply. He thought for a moment maybe he had fallen back asleep.

"I love you."

Jean froze. A second passed. Two. "Go to sleep, Marco. You're tired."

Jean waited till he was sure Marco was asleep before repeating Marco's last words back to him.

_v_.

They sat side by side checking over their manoeuver gear and making sure they would have enough gas to last the battle. The plan today was to retake Trost. Jean wasn't sure if he was 100 percent on board with the plan, a lot of soldiers weren't, but he decided to trust it simply because he had no other choice.

As a solider that was his job, to trust and obey orders. Marco seemed confident in the plan though, so that put Jean's mind slightly at ease. Jean swore Marco was a mind reader of sorts, as he looked over and reached his hand towards Jean. Jean took it gratefully.

"Hey, it'll be okay . Just think about it, this is what we've trained for," Marco reassured him, giving his hand a squeeze.

"Oh yeah, all the hard training. We wouldn't want that to go to waste," Jean shot back, a weak attempt at sarcasm to mask his worry. He wasn't thinking of their training though. He was thinking of what happened after; the nights that followed a long day of training, where he and Marco would curl up together after lights out. They would share secrets through whispers and soft touches.

Jean remembered one night in particular. Marco had snuck up to join Jean after hearing snores from across the room. He laid there tracing the features of Jean's face, telling him how beautiful he was. Those words had never been directed at Jean before and they sent shivers down his spine. He could have kissed Marco right there if his nerves hadn't gotten the best of him.

He wished he could have taken the chance.

"Everything will be okay. I promise." Marco leaned in and kissed his cheek before taking off the join the others.

Jean believed him.

_vi_.

"Jean wake up," a voice hissed in his ear. Jean sat up still groggy from sleep. He turned to see Armin standing beside him already dressed in the uniform of the Survey Corps. He moved a hand up to his neck, it was sore from sleeping on the bed that might as well be made from rocks.

"What?" It came out harsher that it should have sounded, but Jean was too tired and cared too little to apologize. He was close enough to Armin that he knew Armin wouldn't be too offended by it. In no way was he a morning person and over 4 years of training and waking up at the ass crack of dawn hadn't changed that.

"Hurry up and get ready. We leave today." He turned and walked away leaving Jean alone in the darkness once again.

Right. They were leaving today to go beyond the walls. Knots formed in Jean's stomach when he realized just how nervous he was, of course he would never admit that to anyone besides Marco. This was the first time he was ever going outside the walls though and he knew the chances of him actually retuning alive so he figured he had every right to be nervous. This could be a life changing -or ending- experience he decided.

He stood dressed in uniform over the bed that had been his home for the past couple of days. He decided he would miss it. He decided he didn't have a home. Not without Marco. God, _Marco_.

Images came rushing back from finding his body after they finally took back Trost. Jean remembered denying for days that the body was even Marco's, it could have been any poor soldiers mangled body. He couldn't deny though that in the following days Marco wasn't present. He wasn't waiting around a corner to scare Jean before grabbing his hand and dragging him off to dinner. He never ran up in the halls and wrapped Jean in a hug from behind. He never came back; a part of Jean hadn't either.

He missed the feeling of holding Marco's hand, back when things were more innocent. He missed the feeling of his leg pressed up again Marco's as they sat too close at dinner. He missed the feeling of Marco crawling into his bed after a panic attack, simply shaking and Jean would wrap him up as tight as he could in his arms and hum softly until he could feel the tension flow out of the other and Marco's breathing became even. He missed feeling his lips pressed up against Marco's, even if it only was the one time.

Their first and last.

Jean was standing in the entrance way now to the building. He took a deep breath and readied himself of the day ahead of him. He could see the others bustling about and running last minute checks to make sure they were ready for the challenge in front of them. Jean couldn't help but wish that Marco was standing next to him, holding his hand, preparing for this journey with him.

Just before he moved down to join everyone he felt something pulling at his fingers, but when he looked down at them nothing was there. He smiled. Everything would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm incapable of writing anything that's not angst


End file.
